[ News ] [ Paper Feed ] [ Issues ] [ Authors ] [ Archives ] [ Contact ]

..[ Phrack Magazine ]..
.:: Line Noise ::.

Issues: [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] [ 7 ] [ 8 ] [ 9 ] [ 10 ] [ 11 ] [ 12 ] [ 13 ] [ 14 ] [ 15 ] [ 16 ] [ 17 ] [ 18 ] [ 19 ] [ 20 ] [ 21 ] [ 22 ] [ 23 ] [ 24 ] [ 25 ] [ 26 ] [ 27 ] [ 28 ] [ 29 ] [ 30 ] [ 31 ] [ 32 ] [ 33 ] [ 34 ] [ 35 ] [ 36 ] [ 37 ] [ 38 ] [ 39 ] [ 40 ] [ 41 ] [ 42 ] [ 43 ] [ 44 ] [ 45 ] [ 46 ] [ 47 ] [ 48 ] [ 49 ] [ 50 ] [ 51 ] [ 52 ] [ 53 ] [ 54 ] [ 55 ] [ 56 ] [ 57 ] [ 58 ] [ 59 ] [ 60 ] [ 61 ] [ 62 ] [ 63 ] [ 64 ] [ 65 ] [ 66 ] [ 67 ] [ 68 ] [ 69 ] [ 70 ]
Current issue : #46 | Release date : 1994-09-20 | Editor : Erik Bloodaxe
IntroductionErik Bloodaxe
Phrack LoopbackPhrack Staff
Line NoisePhrack Staff
Line NoisePhrack Staff
Phrack Prophile on Minor ThreatMinor Threat
Paid Advertisementunknown
Paid Advertisement (cont)unknown
The Wonderful World of PagersErik Bloodaxe
Legal Info by Szechuan DeathSzechuan Death
A Guide to Porno BoxesCarl Corey
Unix Hacking - Tools of the TradeThe Shining
The fingerd Trojan HorseHitman Italy
The Phrack University Dialup ListPhrack Staff
A Little About DialcomHerd Beast
VisaNet Operations Part IIce Jey
VisaNet Operations Part IIIce Jey
Gettin' Down 'N Dirty Wit Da GS/1Dr. Delam & Maldoror
StartalkThe Red Skull
Cyber Christ Meets Lady Luck Part IWinn Schwartau
Cyber Christ Meets Lady Luck Part IIWinn Schwartau
The Groom Lake Desert RatPsychoSpy
HOPEErik Bloodaxe
Cyber Christ Bites the Big AppleWinn Schwartau
The ABCs of Better Hotel StayingSeven Up
AT&T Definity System 75/85Erudite
Keytrap v1.0 Keyboard Key LoggerDcypher
International Scenesvarious
Phrack World NewsDatastream Cowboy
Title : Line Noise
Author : Phrack Staff
                         ==Phrack Magazine==

              Volume Five, Issue Forty-Six, File 3 of 28

                           //   //  /\   //   ====
                          //   //  //\\ //   ====
                         ==== //  //  \\/   ====

                     /\   //  // \\    //  /===   ====
                    //\\ //  //   //  //   \=\   ====
                   //  \\/    \\ //  //   ===/  ====

                                 PART I


                        !! NEW PHRACK CONTEST !!

Phrack Magazine is sponsoring a programming contest open to anyone
who wishes to enter.

Write the Next Internet Worm!  Write the world's best X Windows wardialer!
Code something that makes COPS & SATAN look like high school Introduction
to Computing assignments.  Make the OKI 1150 a scanning, tracking, vampire-
phone.  Write an NLM!  Write a TSR!  Write a stupid game!  It doesn't
matter what you write, or what computer it's for!  It only matters that you

Win from the following prizes:

     Computer Hardware & Peripherals
     System Software
     Complete Compiler packages
     Magazine Subscriptions
     and MANY MORE!



The rules are very simple:

1)  All programs must be original works.  No submissions of
    previously copyrighted materials or works prepared by
    third parties will be judged.

2)  All entries must be sent in as source code only.  Any programming
    language is acceptable.  Programs must compile and run without
    any modifications needed by the judges.  If programs are specific
    to certain platforms, please designate that platform.  If special
    hardware is needed, please specify what hardware is required.
    If include libraries are needed, they should be submitted in addition
    to the main program.

3)  No virii accepted.  An exception may be made for such programs that
    are developed for operating systems other than AMIGA/Dos, System 7,
    MS-DOS (or variants), or OS/2.  Suitable exceptions could be, but are not
    limited to, UNIX (any variant), VMS or MVS.

4)  Entries may be submitted via email or magnetic media.  Email should be
    directed to phrack@well.com.  Tapes, Diskettes or other storage
    media should be sent to

         Phrack Magazine
         603 W. 13th #1A-278
         Austin, TX 78701

5)  Programs will be judged by a panel of judges based on programming skill
    displayed, originality, usability, user interface, documentation,
    and creativity.

6)  Phrack Magazine will make no claims to the works submitted, and the
    rights to the software are understood to be retained by the program
    author.   However, by entering, the Author thereby grants Phrack Magazine
    permission to reprint the program source code in future issues.

7)  All Entries must be received by 12-31-94.  Prizes to be awarded by 3-1-95.

-------------------------INCLUDE THIS FORM WITH ENTRY-------------------------


Email Address:

Mailing Address:

Program Name:


Hardware & Software Platform(s) Developed For:

Special Equipment Needed (modem, ethernet cards, sound cards, etc):

Other Comments:

                             COMPUTER COP PROPHILE
                               FOLLOW-UP REPORT

                               LT. WILLIAM BAKER
                           JEFFERSON COUNTY POLICE


                                The Grimmace

 In PHRACK 43, I wrote an article on the life and times
of a computer cop operating out of the Jefferson County Police
Department in Louisville, Kentucky.  In the article, I included
a transcript of a taped interview with him that I did after
socially engineering my way through the cop-bureaucracy in his
department. At the time I thought it was a hell of an idea and a
lot of PHRACK readers probably got a good insight into how the
"other side" thinks.

 However, I made the terminal mistake of underestimating
the people I was dealing with by a LONG shot and felt that I
should write a short follow-up on what has transpired since that
article was published in PHRACK 43.

 A lot of the stuff in the article about Lt. Baker was
obtained by an attorney I know who has no reason to be friendly
to the cops.  He helped me get copies of court transcripts which
included tons of information on Baker's training and areas of
expertise.  Since the article, the attorney has refused to talk
to me and, it appears, that he's been identified as the source
of assistance in the article and all he will say to me is that
"I don't want any more trouble from that guy...forget where you
left my phone number."  Interesting...no elaboration...hang up.

 As I recall, the PHRACK 43 issue came out around
November 17th.  On November 20th, I received a telephone call
where I was living at the home of a friend of mine from Lt.
Baker who laughingly asked me if I needed any more information
for any "future articles".  I tried the "I don't know what
you're talking about" scam at which time he read to me my full
name, date of birth, social security number, employer, license
number of my car, and the serial number from a bicycle I just
purchased the day before.  I figured that he'd run a credit
history on me, but when I checked, there had been no inquiries
on my accounts for a year.  He told me the last 3 jobs I'd held
and where I bought my groceries and recited a list of BBSs I was
on (two of which under aliases other than The Grimmace).

 This guy had a way about him that made a chill run up my
spine and never once said the first threatening or abusive thing
to me. I suppose I figured that the cops were all idiots and
that I'd never hear anything more about the article and go on to
write some more about other computer cops using the same method.
I've now decided against it.

 I got the message...and the message was "You aren't the
only one who can hack out information."  I'd always expected to
get the typical "cop treatment" if I ever got caught doing
anything, but I think this was worse.  Hell, I never know where
the guy's gonna show up next.  I've received cryptic messages on
the IRC from a variety of accounts and servers all over the
country and on various "private" BBSs and got one on my birthday
on my Internet account...it traced back to an anonymous server
somewhere in the bowels of UCLA.  I don't know anyone at UCLA
and the internet account I have is an anonymous account actually
owned by another friend of mine.

 I think the point I'm trying to make is that all of us
have to be aware of how the cops think in order to protect
ourselves and the things we believe in.  But...shaking the
hornet's nest in order to see what comes out maybe isn't the
coolest way to investigate.

 Like I wrote in my previous article, we've all gotten a
big laugh from keystone cops like Foley and Golden, but things
may be changing.  Local and federal agencies are beginning to
cooperate on a regular basis and international agencies are also
beginning to join the party.

 The big push to eradicate child-pornography has led to a number of
hackers being caught in the search for the "dirty old men" on the Internet.
Baker was the Kentucky cop who was singularly responsible for the bust of the
big kiddie-porn FSP site at the University of Birmingham in England back
in April and got a lot of press coverage about it.  But I had personally
never considered that a cop could hack his way into a password-protected
FSP site.  And why would he care about something happening on the other
side of the world?  Hackers do it, but not cops...unless the cops are
hackers.  Hmmm...theories anyone?

 I don't live in Louisville anymore...not because of
Baker, but because of some other problems, but I still look over
my shoulder.  It would be easier if the guy was a prick, but I'm
more paranoid of the friendly good-ole boy than the raving
lunatic breaking in our front doors with a sledge hammer.  I
always thought we were safe because we knew so much more than
the people chasing us.  I'm not so certain of that anymore.

 So that's it.  I made the mistakes of 1) probably
embarrassing a guy who I thought would never be able to touch me
and 2), drawing attention to myself.  A hacker's primary
protection lies in his anonymity...those who live the high
profiles are the ones who take the falls and, although I haven't
fallen yet, I keep having the feeling that I'm standing on the
edge and that I know the guy sneaking up behind me.

From the shadows--
   The Grimmace
                      [HsL - RAt - UQQ]


                              !! PHRACK READS  !!

                         "Cyberia" by Douglas Rushkoff
                            Review by Erik Bloodaxe

Imagine a book about drugs written by someone who never inhaled.
Imagine a book about raves written by someone saw a flyer once.
Imagine a book about computers by someone who someone who thinks
     a macintosh is complex.

Imagine an author trying to make a quick buck by writing about something
     his publisher said was hot and would sell.

And there you have Cyberia, by Douglas Rushkoff.

I have got to hand it to this amazing huckster Rushkoff, though.  By
publishing Cyberia, and simultaneously putting out "The Gen X Reader,"
(which by the way is unequaled in its insipidness), he has covered all
bases for the idiot masses to devour at the local bookseller.

Rushkoff has taken it upon himself to coin new terms such as
"Cyberia," the electronic world we live in; "Cyberians," the people
who live and play online; etc...

Like we needed more buzzwords to add to a world full of "Infobahns"
"console cowboys," and "phrackers."  Pardon me while I puke.

The "interviews" with various denizens of Rushkoff's "Cyberia" come off
as fake as if I were to attempt to publish an interview with Mao Tse Tung
in the next issue of Phrack.

We've got ravers talking on and on about "E" and having deep conversations
about smart drugs and quantum physics.  Let's see:  in the dozens of raves
I've been to in several states the deepest conversation that popped
up was "uh, do you have any more of that acid?" and "this mix is cool."
And these conversations were from the more eloquent of the nearly all under
21 crowd that the events attracted.  Far from quantum physicians.
And beyond that, its been "ecstasy" or "X" in every drug culture I've wandered
through since I walked up the bar of Maggie Mae's on Austin, Texas' 6th Street
in the early 80's with my fake id and bought a pouch of the magic elixir over
the counter from the bartender (complete with printed instructions).
NOT "E."  But that's just nit-picking.

Now we have the psychedelic crowd.  Listening to the "Interviews" of these
jokers reminds me of a Cheech and Chong routine involving Sergeant Stedanko.
"Some individuals who have smoked Mary Jane, or Reefer oftimes turn to
harder drugs such as LSD."  That's not a quote from the book, but it may
as well be.  People constantly talk about "LSD-this" and "LSD-that."
Hell, if someone walked into a room and went on about how he enjoyed his
last "LSD experience" the way these people do, you'd think they were
really really stupid, or just a cop.  "Why no, we've never had any of
that acid stuff.  Is it like LSD?"  Please.

Then there are the DMT fruitcakes.  Boys and girls, DMT isn't being sold
on the street corner in Boise.  In fact, I think it would be easier for most
people to get a portable rocket launcher than DMT.  Nevertheless, in every
fucking piece of tripe published about the "new psychedlicia" DMT is
splattered all over it.  Just because Terrance Fucking McKenna
saw little pod people, does not mean it serves any high position
in the online community.

And Hackers?  Oh fuck me gently with a chainsaw, Douglas.  From Craig Neidorf's
hacker Epiphany while playing Adventure on his Atari VCS to Gail
Thackeray's tearful midnight phonecall to Rushkoff when Phiber Optik
was raided for the 3rd time.  PLEASE!  I'm sure Gail was up to her eyebrows
in bourbon, wearing a party hat and prank calling hackers saying "You're next,
my little pretty!"  Not looking for 3rd-rate schlock journalists to whine to.

The Smart Drink Girl?  The Mondo House?  Gee...how Cyber.  Thanks, but
no thanks.

I honestly don't know if Rushkoff really experienced any of this nonsense,
or if he actually stumbled on a few DMT crystals and smoked this
reality.  Let's just say, I think Mr. Rushkoff was absent the day
his professor discussed "Creative License in Journalism" and just decided
to wing it.

Actually, maybe San Francisco really is like this.  But NOWHERE else on
the planet can relate.  And shit, if I wanted to read a GOOD San
Francisco book, I'd reread Armistead Maupin's "Tales of the City."
This book should have been called "Everything I Needed to Know About
Cyber-Culture I Learned in Mondo-2000."

Seriously...anyone who reads this book and finds anything remotely
close to the reality of the various scenes it weakly attempts to
cover needs to email me immediately.  I have wiped my ass with
better pulp.


                            By Winn Schwartau

 By Winn Schwartau.  (C)opyright 1994 by the author
 Thunder's Mouth Press, 632 Broadway / 7th floor / New York, NY 10012
 ISBN 1-56025-080-1 - Price $22.95
 Distributed by Publishers Group West, 4065 Hollis St. / Emeryville, CA 94608
 (800) 788-3123

 Review by Scott Davis (dfox@fennec.com)
 (from tjoauc1-4  ftp: freeside.com /pub/tjoauc)

 If you only buy one book this year, make sure it is INFORMATION WARFARE!
 In my 10+ years of existing in cyberspace and seeing people and organizations
 debate, argue and contemplate security issues, laws, personal privacy,
 and solutions to all of these issues...and more, never have I seen a more
 definitive publication. In INFORMATION WARFARE,  Winn Schwartau simply
 draws the line on the debating. The information in this book is hard-core,
 factual documentation that leaves no doubt in this reader's mind that
 the world is in for a long, hard ride in regards to computer security.
 The United States is open to the world's electronic terrorists.
 When you finish reading this book, you will find out just how open we are.

 Mr. Schwartau talks about industrial espionage, hacking, viruses,
 eavesdroping, code-breaking, personal privacy, HERF guns, EMP/T bombs,
 magnetic weaponry, and the newest phrase of our generation...
 "Binary Schizophrenia". He exposes these topics from all angles. If you
 spend any amount of time in Cyberspace, this book is for you.

 How much do you depend on technology?

 ATM machines, credit cards, toasters, VCR's, televisions, computers,
 telephones, modems...the list goes on. You use technology and computers
 and don't even know it! But the point is...just how safe are you from
 invasion? How safe is our country's secrets? The fact is - they are NOT
 SAFE! How easy is it for someone you don't know to track your every move
 on a daily basis? VERY EASY! Are you a potential victim to fraud,
 breech of privacy, or general infractions against the way you carry
 on your daily activities?  YES! ...and you'd never guess how vulnerable
 we all are!

 This book will take you deep into places the government refuses to
 acknowledge. You should know about INFORMATION WARFARE. Order your
 copy today, or pick it up at your favorite book store. You will not
 regret it.


      _Firewalls and Internet Security: Repelling the Wily Hacker_

              William R. Cheswick <ches@research.att.com>
               Steven M. Bellovin <smb@research.att.com>

                   Addison-Wesley, ISBN 0-201-63357-4
                         306 + XIV = 320 pages
                      (Printed on recycled paper)


                         Reviewed by Herd Beast

The back of this book claims that, "_Firewalls and Internet Security_
gives you invaluable advice and practical tools for protecting your
organization's computers from the very real threat of hacker attacks."
That is true.  The authors also add something from their knowledge of
these hacker attacks.  The book can be roughly separated into two
parts: Firewalls, and, you guessed it: Internet Security.  That is
how I see it.  The book itself is divided into four parts (Getting
Started, Building Your Own Firewall, A Look Back & Odds and Ends),
three appendixes, a bibliography, a list of 42 bombs and an index.

The book starts with overall explanations and an overview of the
TCP/IP protocol.  More than an overview of the actual TCP/IP protocol,
it is a review of services often used with that protocol, and the
security risks they pose.  In that chapter the authors define
"bombs" -- as particularly serious security risks.  Despite that fact,
and the tempting bomb list in the end, this book is not a guide for
someone with passing knowledge of Internet security who wants to learn
more explicit details about holes.  It is, in the authors' words, "not
a book on how to administer a system in a secure fashion."

FIREWALLS (Including the TCP/IP overview: pages 19-131)

What is a firewall and how is it built?(*)  If you don't know that,
then definitely get this book.  The Firewalls chapter is excellent
even for someone with a passing knowledge of firewalls or general
knowledge of what they set out to accomplish.  You might still
learn more.

In the Firewalls chapter, the authors explain the firewall philosophy
and types of firewalls.  Packet-filtering gateways rely on rule-based
packet filtering to protect the gateway from various types of attacks.
You can filter everything and achieve the same effect of disconnecting
from the Internet, you can filter everything from misbehaving sites,
you can allow only mail in, and so on.  An application-level gateway
relies on the applications set on the firewall.  Rather then let a
router filter traffic based on rules, one can strip a machine clean
and only run desired services -- and even then, more secure versions
of those services can be run.  Circuit-level gateways relay data
between the gateway and other networks.  The relay programs copy
data from inside the firewall to the outside, and log their activity.
Most firewalls on the Internet are a combination of these gateways.

Next, the authors explain how to build an application-level gateway
based on the work they have done with the research.att.com gateways.
As mentioned, this chapter is indeed very good.  They go over setting
up the firewall machines, router configuration for basic packet
filtering (such as not allowing Internet packets that appear to come
from inside your network).  They show, using the software on the
AT&T gateway as example, the general outline of proxies and give some
useful advise.  That chapter is very interesting; reading it with Bill
Cheswick's (older) paper, "The Design of a Secure Internet Gateway" makes
it even better.  The examples given, like the NFS and X proxies run on the
gateway, are also interesting by themselves.

INTERNET SECURITY (pages 133-237)

Internet security is a misleading name.  This part might also be
called "Everything else."  Most of it is a review of hacker attacks
logged by AT&T's gateway probes, and of their experience with a hacker.
But there is also a chapter dedicated to computer crime and the law --
computer crime statutes, log files as evidence, the legalities of
monitoring intruders and letting them keep their access after finding
them, and the ethics of many actions performed on the Internet; plus
an introduction to cryptography under Secure Communication over Insecure
Networks.  The later sections are good.  The explanation of several
encryption methods and short reviews of applications putting them to use
(PEM, PGP and RIPEM) are clear (as clear as cryptography can get) and the
computer crime sections are also good -- although I'm not a lawyer and
therefore cannot really comment on it, and notes that look like "5 USC
552a(b)(c)(10)" cause me to shudder.  It's interesting to note that some
administrative functions as presented in this book, what the authors call
counter-intelligence (reverse fingers and rusers) and booby traps and fake
password file are open for ethical debate.  Perhaps they are not illegal,
but counter-intelligence can surely ring the warning bells on the site being
counter-fingered if that site itself is security aware.

That said, let's move to hackers.  I refer to these as "hacker studies",
or whatever, for lack of a better name.  This is Part III (A Look
Back), which contains the methods of attacks (social engineering,
stealing passwords, etc), the Berferd incident (more on that later),
and an analysis (statistical and otherwise) of the Bell Labs gateway

Back to where we started, there is nothing new or innovative about
these chapters.  The Berferd hacker case is not new, it is mostly just
uninteresting.  The chapter is mostly a copy (they do state this) of
Bill Cheswick's paper titled "A Night with Berferd, in Which a Cracker
is Lured, Endured and Studied."  The chapter concerning probes and
door-knob twisting on the Internet (Traps, Lures, and Honey Pots)
is mostly a copy (they do not state this) of Steven Bellovin's paper
titled, "There Be Dragons".  What do we learn from the hacker-related
chapters?  Let's take Berferd: The Sendmail DEBUG hole expert.  After
mailing himself a password file and receiving it with a space after
the username, he tries to add accounts in a similar fashion.  Cheswick
calls him "flexible".  I might have chosen another F-word.  Next are
the hacker logs.  People finger.  People tftp /etc/passwd.  People try
to rlogin as bin.  There are no advanced attacks in these sections.
Compared with the scary picture painted in the Firewalls chapter --
that of the Bad Guy spoofing hostnames, flooding DNS caches, faking
NFS packets and much more -- something must have gone wrong.(**)

Still, I cannot say that this information is totally useless.  It is,
as mentioned, old.  It is available and was available since 1992
on ftp://research.att.com:{/dist/internet_security,/dist/smb}. (***)

The bottom line is that this book is, in my opinion, foremost and upmost
a Firewaller's book.  The hacker section could have been condensed
into Appendix D, a copy of the CERT advisory about computer attacks
("Don't use guest/guest.  Don't leave root unpassworded.")  It really
takes ignorance to believe that inexperienced hackers can learn "hacker
techniques" and become mean Internet break-in machines just by reading
_Firewalls and Internet Security_.  Yes, even the chapter dedicated
to trying to attack your own machine to test your security (The Hacker's
Workbench) is largely theoretical.  That is to say, it doesn't go above
comments like "attack NFS".  The probes and source code supplied there are
for programs like IP subnet scanners and so on, and not for "high-level"
stuff like ICMP bombers or similar software; only the attacks are
mentioned, not to implementation.  This is, by the way, quite
understandable and expected, but don't buy this book if you think it
will make you into some TCP/IP attacker wiz.

In summary:


The Firewalls part is excellent.  The other parts not related to
hacker-tracking are good as well.  The added bonuses -- in the form
of a useful index, a full bibliography (with pointers to FTP sites),
a TCP port list with interesting comments and a great (running out
of positive descriptions here) online resources list -- are also
grand (whew).


The hacker studies sections, based on old (circa 1992) papers, are
not interesting for anyone with any knowledge of hacking and/or
security who had some sort of encounters with hackers.  People without
this knowledge might either get the idea that: (a) all hackers are
stupid and (b) all hackers are Berferd-style system formatters.  Based on
the fact that the authors do not make a clear-cut statement about
hiring or not hiring hackers, they just say that you should think
if you trust them, and that they generally appear not to have a total
draconian attitude towards hackers in general, I don't think this was

THE UGLY (For the nitpickers)

There are some nasty little bugs in the book.  They're not errors
in that sense of the word; they're just kind of annoying -- if you're
sensitive about things like being called a hacker or a cracker, they'll
annoy you.  Try this: although they explain why they would use the term
"hacker" when referring to hackers (and not "eggsucker", or "cracker"),
they often use terms like "Those With Evil Intention".  Or, comparing
_2600 Magazine_ to the Computer underground Digest.

(*) From the Firewalls FAQ <fwalls-faq@tis.com>:
    ``A firewall is any one of several ways of protecting one
    network from another untrusted network. The actual mechanism
    whereby this is accomplished varies widely, but in
    principle, the firewall can be thought of as a pair of
    mechanisms: one which exists to block traffic, and the other
    which exists to permit traffic. Some firewalls place a
    greater emphasis on blocking traffic, while others emphasize
    permitting traffic.''

(**) This would be a great place to start a long and boring discussion
     about different types of hackers and how security (including firewalls)
     affect them.  But... I don't think so.

(***) ftp://research.att.com:/dist/internet_security/firewall.book also
      contains, in text and PostScript, the list of parts, chapters and
      sections in the book, and the Preface section.  For that reason,
      those sections weren't printed here.
      All the papers mentioned in this review can be found on that FTP


Announcing Bellcore's Electronic Information Catalog for Industry

To access the online catalog:

    telnet info.bellcore.com
    login: cat10

    or dial 201-829-2005
       annex: telnet info
       login: cat10

[Order up some E911 Documents Online!]


  T   H   H E
  T   H   H E
  T   H   H EEEEE

             CCC  U   U RRRR  M   M U   U DDDD   GGG  EEEEE  OOO  N   N
            C   C U   U R   R MM MM U   U D   D G   G E     O   O NN  N
            C     U   U RRRR  M M M U   U D   D G     EEEEE O   O N N N
            C   C U   U R  R  M   M U   U D   D G  GG E     O   O N  NN
             CCC   UUU  R   R M   M  UUU  DDDD   GGG  EEEEE  OOO  N   N

       Bill Clinton promised good health care coverage for everyone.
          Bill Clinton promised jobs programs for the unemployed.
Bill Clinton promised that everyone who wanted could serve in the military.
           Bill Clinton promised a lot.  So does the Curmudgeon.
                 But unlike Bill Clinton, we'll deliver...

For only $10 a year (12 issues) you'll get alternative music reviews and
interviews, political reporting, anti-establishment features and
commentary, short fiction, movie reviews, book reviews, and humor.  Learn
the truth about the Gulf War, Clipper, and the Selective Service System.
Read everything you wanted to know about bands like the Offspring, R.E.M.,
the Cure, Porno for Pyros, Pearl Jam, Dead Can Dance, Rhino Humpers, and
Nine Inch Nails.  Become indoctrinated by commentary that just might change
the way you think about some things.  Subscribe to the Curmudgeon on paper for
$10 or electronically for free.  Electronic subscribers don't get
everything that paying subscribers do like photos, spoof ads, and some

Paper: send $10 check or money order to the Curmudgeon
     4505 University Way N.E.
     Box 555
     Seattle, Washington
   Electronic: send a request to rodneyl@u.washington.edu


 % The Journal Of American Underground Computing - ISSN 1074-3111 %

 Computing - Communications - Politics - Security - Technology - Humor
 -Underground - Editorials - Reviews - News - Other Really Cool Stuff-

 Published Quarterly/Semi-Quarterly By Fennec Information Systems
 This is one of the more popular new electronic publications. To
 get your free subscription, please see the addresses below.
 Don't miss out on this newsworthy publication. We are getting
 hundreds of new subscriptions a month. This quarterly was promoted
 in Phrack Magazine. If you don't subscribe, you're only cheating
 yourself. Have a great day...and a similar tomorrow

 * Coming soon * A Windows-based help file containing all of the issues
                 of the magazine as well as extensive bio's of all of the

 Subscription Requests:  sub@fennec.com
 Comments to Editors  :  editors@fennec.com
 Back issues via Ftp  :  etext.archive.umich.edu  /pub/Zines/JAUC
                         fc.net   /pub/tjoauc

 Submissions          :  submit@fennec.com
 Finger info          :  dfox@fc.net and kahuna@fc.net


        Make the best out of your European pay telephone
           by Onkel Dittmeyer, onkeld@ponton.hanse.de


  Okay guys and girls, let's come to a topic old like the creation
but yet never revealed. European, or, to be more exact, German pay
phone technology. Huh-huh.

  There are several models, round ones, rectangular ones, spiffy
looking ones, dull looking ones, and they all have one thing in
common: If they are something, they are not what the American reader
might think of a public pay telephone, unlike it's U.S. brothers,
the German payphones always operate off a regular customer-style
telephone line, and therefore they're basically all COCOTS, which
makes it a lot easier to screw around with them.

  Let's get on with the models here. You are dealing with two
classes; coin-op ones and card-op ones. All of them are made by
Siemens and TELEKOM. The coin-op ones are currently in the process
of becoming extinct while being replaced by the new card-op's, and rather
dull. Lacking all comfort, they just have a regular 3x4 keypad,
and they emit a cuckoo tone if you receive a call. The only way to
tamper with these is pure physical violence, which is still easier
than in the U.S.; these babies are no fortresses at all. Well, while
the coin-op models just offer you the opportunity of ripping off
their money by physically forcing them open, there is a lot more
fun involved if you're dealing with the card babies. They are really
spiffy looking, and I mean extraordinary spiffy. Still nothing
compared to the AT&T VideoFoNeZ, but still really spiffy. The 2-line
pixel-oriented LCD readout displays the pure K-Radness of it's
inventors. Therefore it is equipped with a 4x4 keypad that has a lot
of (undocumented) features like switching the mother into touch-tone
mode, redial, display block etc. Plus, you can toggle the readout
between German, English, and French. There are rumors that you can
put it into Mandarin as well, but that has not been confirmed yet.

  Let's get ahead. Since all payphones are operating on a regular
line, you can call them up. Most of them have a sign reading their
number, some don't. For those who don't, there is no way for you to
figure out their number, since they did not invent ANI yet over here
in the country famous for its good beer and yodel chants. Well, try
it. I know you thought about it. Call it collect. Dialing 010 will
drop you to a long-distance operator, just in case you didn't know.
He will connect the call, since there is no database with all the
payphone numbers, the payphone will ring, you pick up, the operator
will hear the cuckoo tone, and tell you to fuck off. Bad luck, eh?

  This would not be Phrack if there would be no way to screw it.
If you examine the hook switch on it closely, you will figure out
that, if you press it down real slow and carefully, there are two
levels at whom it provokes a function; the first will make the phone
hang up the line, the second one to reset itself. Let me make this
a little clearer in your mind.

                       -----         <--- totally released
                         |           <--- hang up line
 press to this level --> |
                         |           <--- reset
                       -----         <--- totally hung up

  Involves a little practice, though. Just try it. Dial a number
it will let you dial, like 0130, then it will just sit there and
wait for you to dial the rest of the number. Start pressing down
the hookswitch really slow till the line clicks away into suspense,
if you release it again it will return you to the dial tone and
you are now able to call numbers you aren't supposed to call, like
010 (if you don't have a card, don't have one, that's not graceful),
or 001-212-456-1111. Problem is, the moment the other party picks
up, the phone will receive a charge subtraction tone, which is a
16kHz buzz that will tell the payphone to rip the first charge unit,
30 pfennigs, off your card, and if you don't have one inserted and
the phone fails to collect it, it will go on and reset itself
disconnecting the line. Bad luck. Still good enough to harass your
favorite fellas for free, but not exactly what we're looking for,
right? Try this one. Push the hook lever to the suspension point,
and let it sit there for a while, you will have to release it a
bit every 5 seconds or so, or the phone will reset anyway. If you
receive a call while doing this, a buzz will appear on the line.

  Upon that buzz, let the lever go and you'll be connected, and
the cuckoo tone will be shut up! So if you want to receive a collect
call, this is how you do it. Tell the operator you accept the charges,
and talk away. You can use this method overseas, too: Just tell your
buddy in the states to call Germany Direct (800-292-0049) and make
a collect call to you waiting in the payphone, and you save a cool
$1.17 a minute doing that. So much for the kids that just want to
have some cheap fun, and on with the rest.

  Wasting so much time in that rotten payphone, you probably
noticed the little black box beneath the phone. During my, erm,
research I found out that this box contains some fuses, a standard
Euro 220V power connector, and a TAE-F standard phone connector.
Completing the fun is the fact that it's extremely easy to pry it
open. The TAE-F plug is also bypassing the phone and the charge
collection circuits, so you can just use it like your jack at home.
Bring a crowbar and your laptop, or your Pentium tower, power it over
the payphone and plug your Dual into the jack. This way you can even
run a board from a payphone, and people can download the latest
WaReZzzZzz right from the booth. It's preferable to obtain a key for
the lock of the box, just do some malicious damage to it (yes, let
the animal take control), and call Telekom Repairs at 1171 and they
will come and fix it. Since they always leave their cars unlocked,
or at least for the ones I ran across, you can either take the whole
car or all their k-rad equipment, manuals, keys, and even their lunch
box. But we're shooting off topic here. The keys are usually general
keys, means they fit on all payphones in your area. There should also
be a nationwide master key, but the German Minister of Tele-
communications is probably keeping that one in his desk drawer.

  The chargecards for the card-op ones appear to have a little chip
on them, where each charge unit is being deducted, and since no-one
could figure out how it works, or how to refill the cards or make a
fake one, but a lot of German phreaks are busy trying to figure that

  A good approach is also social-engineering Telekom so they turn
off the charge deduction signal (which doesn't mean the call are free,
but the buzz is just not transmitted any more) so the phone doesn't
receive a signal to charge you any money no matter where you call.
The problem with this method is that the world will spread in the
neighborhood that there is a payphone where you can call for free,
and therefore it will be so crowded that you can't use it, and
the phone pals will catch up fast. It's fun though, I tried it, and
I still get free drinks at the local pub for doing it.

  Another k-rad feature on them is the built-in modem that they use
to get their software. On a fatal error condition they appear to dial
a telecom number and download the latest software just how their ROM
commands them to do. We will shortly take a phone, install it some-
where else and figure out where it calls, what the protocol is and
what else is being transmitted, but that will probably be in another

  If you found out anything that might be of interest, you are
welcome to mail it to onkeld@ponton.hanse.de using the public key
beneath. Unencrypted mail will be killed since ponton.hanse.de is
run by a paranoid bitch that reads all traffic just for the hell
of it, and I don't want the phedzZz to come and beat me over the
head with a frozen chunk o' meat or worse.

  Stay alert, watch out and have fun...

Version: 2.3a


      _   _                                                          _   _
     ((___))                INFORMATION IS JUNK MAIL                ((___))
     [ x x ]                                                        [ x x ]
      \   /                    cDc communications                    \   /
      (' ')             -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-             (' ')
       (U)                                                            (U)
  deal with it,        presents unto you 10 phat t-files,        deal with it,
   S U C K E R                fresh for July 1994:                S U C K E R

    New gNu NEW gnU new GnU nEW gNu neW gnu nEw GNU releases for July, 1994:

 _________________________________/Text Files\_________________________________

261: "Interview with Greta Shred" by Reid Fleming.  Reid conducts an in-depth
interview with the editor of the popular 'zine, _Mudflap_.

262: "_Beverly Hills 90210_ as Nostalgia Television" by Crystal Kile.  Paper
presented for the 1993 National Popular Culture Association meeting in New

263: "What Color Is the Sky in Your World?" by Tequila Willy.  Here's your
homework, done right for you by T. "Super-Brain" Willy.

264: "Chicken Hawk" by Mark E. Dassad.  Oh boy.  Here's a new watermark low
level of depravity and sickness.  If you don't know what a "chicken hawk" is
already, read the story and then you'll understand.

265: "Eye-r0N-EE" by Swamp Ratte'.  This one's interesting 'cause only about
half-a-dozen or so lines in it are original.  The rest was entirely stuck
together from misc. files on my hard drive at the time.  Some art guy could say
it's a buncha post-this&that, eh?  Yep.

266: "Interview with Barbie" by Clench.  Barbie's got her guard up.  Clench
goes after her with his rope-a-dope interview style.  Rope-a-dope, rope-a-dope.
This is a boxing reference to a technique mastered by The Greatest of All Time,
Muhamed Ali.

267: "About a Boy" by Franken Gibe.  Mr. Gibe ponders a stolen photograph.
Tiny bunnies run about, unhindered, to find their own fate.

268: "Mall Death" by Snarfblat.  Story about a Dumb Girl[TM].  Are you

269: "Prophile: Future History" by THE NIGHTSTALKER.  It's the future, things
are different, but the Master Hacker Dude lives on.

270: "Time out for Pop" by Malcolm D. Moore.  Sad account of a hopless-pop.

 __________________________________/cDc Gnuz\__________________________________

     "And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name
of the Cow, or the number of his name.  Here is wisdom.  Let him that hath
understanding count the number of the Cow: for it is the number of a man; and
his number is eight billion threescore and seven million nine hundred fourty-
four thousand three hundred threescore and two.  So it is written."  -Omega

Yowsah, yowsah, yowsah.  JULY once again, the super-hooray month which marks
cDc's 8th year of existence.  Outlasting everyone to completely rule and
dominate all of cyberspace, blah blah blah.  Yeah, think a special thought
about cDc's significance in YOUR life the next time you go potty.  Name your
firstborn child after me, and we'll call it karmicly even, pal.  My name is

We're always taking t-file submissions, so if you've got a file and want to
really get it out there, there's no better way than with cDc.  Upload text to
The Polka AE, to sratte@phantom.com, or send disks or hardcopy to the cDc post
office box in Lubbock, TX.  No song lyrics and bad poetry please; we'll leave
that to the no-class-havin', bottom-feeder e-shoveling orgs. out there.

News item of the month, as found by Count Zero:


VERDEN, OKLAHOMA - Responding to a tip from an employee, Verden farmer Bill
McVey found a rotting pig in a ditch two miles north of town.  Farmer McVey
reported the pig to the authorities, because you cannot, legally, just leave a
dead pig in a ditch.  You must dispose of your deceased livestock properly.
There are companies that will take care of this for you.  As for proper
disposal of large dead animals, McVey contracts with Used Cow Dealer."

                                      "...and the rivers ran red with the bl00d
                                            of the Damned and the Deleted..."

S. Ratte'
cDc/Editor and P|-|Ear13zz |_3@DeRrr
"We're into t-files for the groupies and money."
Middle finger for all.

Write to: cDc communications, P.O. Box 53011, Lubbock, TX  79453.
Internet: sratte@phantom.com.

  cDc Global Domination Update #16-by Swamp Ratte'-"Hyperbole is our business"
  Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications.  All Rights Reserved.


===[ Radio Modification Project ]===========================================>

        Tuning in to Lower Frequency Signals              June 26, 1994

====================================================[ By: Grendel / 905 ]===>

          The lower frequency regions of the radio spectrum are often
        ignored  by ham'ers, pirates, and DX'ers alike due to the
        relatively little known ways of tuning in. The following article
        will detail how to construct a simple-made antenna to tune in
        to the LF's and show how to adjust an amateur band type radio
        to receive the desired signals.

       \         /
        \/:    \/
        / .     \
        \_______/he lower frequency spectrum has been made to include
        the  very low  frequency  ("VLF" 2 kHz to 30 kHz)  band and a
        small part of the medium frequency ("MF" 300 - 500 kHz) band.
          For our purposes, a suitable receiver must be able to cover
        the 2 kHz to 500 kHz  range as well as being calibrated at 10
        kHz intervals (standard). The receiver must also be capable of
        covering AM and CW broadcasts. For best capabilities, the
        receiver  should also be able to  cover LSB ("lower side band")
        and USB ("upper side band").

        The Receiving System
          The receiver I use consists of a standard amateur HF ("High
        Frequency") band receiver adjusted between the 3,500 and 4,000
        kHz bands.  This causes the  receiver to act as a tuneable IF
        ("Intermediate Frequency") and also as demodulator.  You will
        also require a wideband LF ("Low Frequency") converter  which
        includes a 3,500 kHz crystal oscillator. See Fig. 1:

           .==[ Fig 1. Block Diagram ]============================.
           |  _____                                               |
           |  \ANT/                                               |
           |   \./        crystal                                 |
           |    |      ______|______       ____________           |
           |    `-----| 2 - 500 kHz |     | 3-4000 kHz |          |
           |          |  Converter* |--~--| IF Receiver|---OUTPUT |
           |    .-----|_____________|     |____________|          |
           |    |                                                 |
           |   GND                                                |

             *The converter is a circuit board type 80D/L-101/PCB
              available from L.F. Engineering Co, 17 Jeffry Road,
              East Haven CT, 06513 for $43 US including S & H.One
              may be  constructed to work with your receiver (but
              at a higher price no doubt).

          Phono jack plugs and sockets are  used for the interconnections
        throughout the receiving  system and the  converter and
        receiver (~) are connected with RG58 coax cable of no greater
        length than 4 ft.
          When tuning, the station  frequency is measured by deducting
        3,500 kHz from the scale on the main  receiver (ie. 340 kHz =
        3,840 kHz on  the main  receiver, 120 = 3,620 kHz, 95 = 3,595
        kHz, etc.)

        The Ferrite End-fed Antenna
          This is a small antenna designed to tune between 95 kHz and
        500 kHz. It consists of a coil wound around a ferrite rod, with
        a 4 ft. lead.

                  o  7 7/8" x 3/8" ferrite rod
                  o  5" 24 SWG double cotton covered copper wire
                  o  2 PLASTIC coated terry clips
                  o  a wood or plastic base (8 1/2" x .8" x .5")
                  o  2 standard, two-gang 500 pF tuning capacitors
                  o  a plastic plate (preferably 2" high)


 -- A Few Things on Van Eck's Method of Eavesdroping --
  Opticon the Disassembled - UPi

 Dr Wim Van Eck, was the  one who  developed the  anonymous method for
eavesdroping  computers  ( and, apparently, not  only ) from  distance,
in  the  laboratories of  Neher, Holland. This  method is  based on the
fact that monitors do transmit electromagnetic radiations. As a device,
it is not too  complex  and it can be  constructed from an  experienced
electronics  phreak. It  uses a simple-direction  antenna  which  grabs
monitor  signals from  about 800 meters away. Simplified schematics are
available from Consumertronics.

 TEMPEST stands for Transient  ElectroMagnetic  Pulse Emanation STandard.
It concerns the quantity of  electromagnetic radiations from monitors and
televisions, although  they  can also  be  detected on  keyboards, wires,
printers and central units. There are some  security levels in which such
radiations are  supposed  to be  untraceable by  Van  Eck  systems. Those
security  levels or  standards, are  described  thoroughly in a technical
exposition  called  NACSIM  5100A, which  has been  characterized by  NSA

 Variations of the  voltage of the electrical current, cause electromagnetic
pulses in the form of  radio waves. In cathode ray  tube ( C.R.T. ) devices,
such as  televisions and monitors, a source of  electrons scans the internal
surface and activates  phosphore. Whether or not the scanning is interlaced or
non-interlaced, most  monitors  transmit  frequencies  varying from 50 to 75
Mhz per second. They also  transmit harmonic  frequencies, multiplies of the
basic frequencies; for example a transmitter with signal of 10 Mhz per second
will  also  transmit  waves of 20, 30, 40 etc. Mhz. Those  signals are
weaker  because the  transmiter itself  effaces them. Such variations in the
voltage is what the Van Eck system receives and analyzes.

 There are ways to prevent or make it harder for someone to monitor
your  monitor. Obviously  you cannot  place your  computer system
underground and cover it with a  Faraday cage or a  copper shield
( If your case is  already that, then you know more about Van Eck
than I do ). What else ?

 (1) Certain computers, such as Wang's, prevent such divulges;
 give preference to them.

 (2) Place your monitor into a grounded metal box, 1.5 cm thick.

 (3) Trace your tracer(s). They gonna panic.

 (4) Increase of the  brightness and  lowering of the contrast
 reduces TEMPEST's power. Metal objects, like bookshelves,
 around the room, will also help a little bit.

 (5) Make sure that two or more monitors are transmitting at the same
 frequency and let them operate simultaneously; this will confuse
 Van Eck systems.

 (6) Buy or make on your own, a device which will transmit noise
 at your monitor's frequency.

 (7) Act naturally. That is:

 (a) Call IRC, join #hack and never mumble a single word.

 (b) Read only best selling books.

 (c) Watch television at least 8 hours a day.

 (d) Forget altruism; there is only you, yourself
     and your dick/crack.

 (8) Turn the monitor off.


                        -Almost Busted-
                         By: Deathstar

        It all started one week in the last month of summer.  Only my brother
and I were at the house for the whole week, so I did whatever I wanted.
Every night, I would phreak all night long.  I would be either at a payphone
using AT&Tz, or at home sitting on a conference.  I would be on the phone
till at least four or five in the morning.  But one night, my luck was running
thin, and I almost phreaked for the last time.  I was at a payphone, using
cards.  I had been there since around twelve midnight..  The payphone was
in a shopping center with a supermarket and a few other stores.  Most every
thing closed at eleven.. Except for the nearby gas station.  Anyway, I was
on the phone with only one person that night.  I knew the card would be dead
by the end of the night so I went ahead and called him on both of his lines
with both of the payphones in the complex with the same card.  I had talked
for hours.  It started to get misty and hard to see.  Then, I noticed a car
of some kind pulling into the parking lot.  I couldn't tell what kind of
car it was, because it was so dark.  The car started pulling up to me, and
when it was around twenty feet away I realized it was a police car.  They
got on the loudspeaker and yelled "Stay where you are!".  I dropped the
phone and ran like hell past the supermarket to the edge of the complex.
I went down a bike path into a neighborhood of townhouses.  Running across
the grass, I slipped and fell about two or three times.  I knew they were
following me, so I had to hide.  I ran to the area around the back of
the supermarket into a forest.  I smacked right into a fence and fell
on the ground.  I did not see the fence since it was so dark.  Crawling a
few feet, I laid down and tried to cover my body with some leaves and
dirt to hide.  I was wearing an orange shirt and white shorts.  I laid
as still as I could, covered in dirt and leaves.  I could hear the police
nearby.  They had flashlights and were walking through the forest looking
for me.  I knew I would get busted.  I tried as hard as I could to keep
from shaking in fear.  I lay there for around thirty minutes.  Bugs were
crawling around on my legs biting me.  I was itching all over.  I couldn't
give up though, because if they caught me I knew that would be the end
of my phreaking career.  I was trying to check if they were still looking
for me, because I could not hear them.  Just as I was about to make a run
for it, thinking they were gone I heard a police radio.  I sat tight again.
For another hour, I lay there until finally I was sure they were gone.  I
got up and started to run.  I made my way through the neighborhood to my
house.  Finally I got home.  It was around five thirty a.m.  I was filthy.
The first thing I did was call the person I was talking to on the payphone
and tell him what happened.  Then, I changed clothes and cleaned myself up.
I checked my vmb to find that a conference was up.  I called it, and told
my story to everyone on.

 I thought that was the end of my confrontation with the police, but I
was wrong.  The next day I had some people over at my house.  Two or Three
good friends.  One of them said that there was a fugitive loose in our
town.  We were bored so we went out in the neighborhood to walk around
and waste time.  Hardly anyone was outside, and police cars were going
around everywhere.  One guy did leave his house but he brought a baseball
bat with him.  We thought it was funny.  Anyway, we soon got bored and
went back home.  Watching tv, we turned to the news.  They had a Report
about the Fugitive.  We watched.  It showed a picture of the shopping
center I was at.  They said "One suspect was spotted at this shopping
center last night at around four thirty in the morning.  The officer
is around ninety five percent sure that the suspect was the fugitive.
He was wearing a orange shirt and white shorts, and ran when approached."
I then freaked out.  They were searching my neighborhood for a fugitive
that didn't exist!  I called back the guy I was talking to the night
before and told him, and then told everyone that was on the conference
the night before.  It ended up that the fugitives never even entered
our state.  They were caught a week later around thirty miles from
the prison they escaped from.  Now I am known by two nicknames. "NatureBoy"
because everyone says I communed with nature for a hour and a half hiding
from the police, and "The Fugitive" for obvious reasons.  Anywayz, That's
how I was almost busted..



The following is a *true* story.  It amused the hell out of me while it
was happening.  I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.
Copyright 1994 Captain Sarcastic, all rights reserved.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.  In my billfold is
a $50 bill and a $2 bill.  That is all of the cash I have on my person.
I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
worry about people getting pissed at me.

ME:  "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT:  "Is that it?"
ME:  "Yep."
IT:  "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME:  "No, it's *to* *go*."  [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill.  He looks at it
kind of funny and

IT:  "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.  The
following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT:  "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG:  "No.  A what?"
IT:  "A $2 bill.  This guy just gave it to me."
MG:  "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." [my emp]
IT:  "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT:  "We don't take these.  Do you have anything else?"
ME:  "Just this fifty.  You don't take $2 bills?  Why?"
IT:  "I don't know."
ME:  "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT:  "Yeah."
ME:  "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT:  "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift, and

IT:  "He says I have to take it."
MG:  "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT:  "Yeah, a fifty.  I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
IT:  "What should I do?"
MG:  "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT:  "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG:  "Just tell him."
IT:  "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG:  "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."  [it was 8pm and
      this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100
      other stores.]
ME:  "Well, here's a two."
MG:  "We don't take *those* either."
ME:  "Why the hell not?"
MG:  "I think you *know* why."
ME:  "No really, tell me, why?"
MG:  "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME:  "Excuse me?"
MG:  "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME:  "What the hell for?"
MG:  "Please, sir."
ME:  "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG:  "Would you please just leave?"
ME:  "No."
MG:  "Fine, have it your way then."
ME:  "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner.  I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.  A few minutes later this
45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a

SG:  "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG:  "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG:  "Really?  What?"
MG:  "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG:  "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?"  [incredulous]
MG:  "I don't know?  He's kinda weird.  Says the only other thing he has is
      a fifty."
SG:  "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG:  "NO, the $2 is."
SG:  "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG:  "I don't know.  Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG:  "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG:  "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME:  "Uh, no."
SG:  "Lemme see 'em."
ME:  "Why?"
SG:  "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so
I said

ME:  "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
swing at him.  He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands,
and says

SG:  "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG:  "It's fake."
SG:  "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG:  "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG:  "Yeah?"
MG:  "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too.  Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
what happens when I try to buy stuff.  If I got the right group of
people, I could probably end up in jail.  At least you get free food.

[ News ] [ Paper Feed ] [ Issues ] [ Authors ] [ Archives ] [ Contact ]
© Copyleft 1985-2021, Phrack Magazine.